10/02 - Frightening Friday

Marriage is overrated. Betting half your stuff that you'll stay together is a crapshoot. I got within a few months of getting married (as in, dress paid for, refundable deposits put down, etc.), then we had an oops, and she didn't want to be all white-trash and visibly pregnant in a wedding dress, so we pushed the date back. Thank God.

 

this is true.. actual quote from when i proposed:

 

marry someone who makes more money than you, easy

 

I like having a partner and think it's worth the risk. It takes a lot of work though and not everyone's a good match. You found out before you even got married but that doesn't mean marriage is a bad bet. I've been married almost 18 years and we got married when I was 18 so there was a lot of arguing and growing up to do but we made it. Even if I got divorced next year, I wouldn't trade the experience for being single or just dating randoms during all that time. Hell, in some states you don't even have to really marry, you can still be considered common-law and if not, you still have to divide things if you bought anything together, so I just don't see any reason not to do it. Maybe if you're some super rich person who has A LOT to lose but for regular folks? Na. If you have kids with a girlfriend you can still lose your house. The only cons might be alimony but I honestly don't know a single divorced woman or man who gets it and splitting 401ks would be painful if you earned more.

 

Nope. That doesn't work out. They can afford the really good attorneys. Never marry (or have a kid with) someone who makes more than you and has millionaire parents who can go "How much do you need?" and write a $10k check without worrying about balancing their checkbook.

 

Yeah but you know the average American family only makes $60k a year so...ain't much to squabble over lol. He seemed fine with their settlement too surprisingly. Must've done a lot of bad things during the marriage which seems plausible given what little character he has when it comes to treating his employees like human beings.

 

Have you seen any of the conversations that happen here about nickels?

 

Yup. Lost the house *I* was paying for because my credit was shit and it was in her name. Her ex-husband had to pay about $18k to buy out her share of his 401k since he was the breadwinner and she didn't go into nursing school until she was 110% sure she was gonna leave him.

I should've known better, since we met while they were still living in the same house, but you try telling a 23 y.o. not to mess around with a hot 30 y.o. MILF and see where that gets you.

Biatch sold *my* house to move in with a dude pushing 50 making $70k just 4 months after I moved out, they married just 3 months after that. Damn gold-digger...

 

I can't make that bigger but yeah, I can imagine. I shouldn't have said that anyway. Anything someone worked hard towards means something. I just meant we're not gonna be out here arguing over 10 mansions and Rolls Royce's lol.

 

Haha it was just a pic of how long you've been here

Also I'm participating in this convo purely for LOLs, I have zero actual opinion on the topic

 

yeah, as a happily married person, imma sit this one out

 

Yeah that would leave a bitter taste in anyone's mouth but most people aren't like that. Not most people I've met. So she got the house while she was working? And she stopped at some point? Because if you weren't on the loan, they would not have used your income.

Haven't seen any fights over nickels but I was here for dime arguments. Forgot about that. Someone shared the prominent ten-cent batch hit here and people went wild. I remember one guy might have actually cried over it.

 

Yeah I'm giving up the marriage convo too. I have a good memory for things that don't matter usually.

 

No, we weren't married, the house was in her name. I had absolutely zero standing whatsoever.

 

Ok. Well I hope you get back on your feet and get your own place soon.

 

It's been 7 years

 

In 17 days I will have been married 20 years.

Has it been tough. Yes. Marriage is a constant give and take navigating the person you have chosen to be with. Has it also been awesome and amazing - for sure! Has it been crazy difficult and tried my last nerve - for sure.

The only reason I am responding here, now, is that we are coming up on that 20 year milestone and we talked tonight about how to celebrate in a way that is not a party, etc. It's not possible and I am sad about that. So instead.... throwing out the "here's what I've realized about being married and being married this long" facts...

These are the things I know after 20 years:

*If anything happens (flu, job issues, you name it) - I can call my person and they have my back unconditionally.
*If I ever had to go to the hospital, my person will drop everything and will show up and advocate for me.
*When we fight - yes - sometimes a lot - we never threaten the other person with divorce, and try to fight fair and figure out a way to communicate.
*Ceremony is important. This may seem like bunk to a lot of folks, but ceremony (whatever the form it takes - saging the house, religion, Native American prayers, Zen Buddhist meditations) are important, in that they take the focus off the chaos of the world/life and just do something that ties you together.
*One of my favorite Native American people recommended that when we fight we just get in the car and drive until the problem is solved - and I can honestly say I have driven more than three hours with husband

That's it. Sending you all love, patience, kindness, empathy in crazy times.